Loneliness

Loneliness is a strong feeling ... I guess my choice of word is wrong.  It's a dangerous feeling! Loneliness, or even just a feeling of it could cause havoc in your life. All your achievements might appear as null and void once this feeling creeps into your mind. Everything seems to be far, everyone seems to be distant. I become so still, so calm. But inside me ... my heart becomes the eye of a cyclone. This feeling is such a strong current one can't swim against it. You just get dragged and dragged, and finally drowned in the vast ocean of loneliness.

I don't feel like talking with the persons who are so close to me. Just want to avoid them, avoid eye contact, answer their questions in monosyllables, and if someone asks what has happened, there is the standard answer, "Nothing!". Nothing has happened to me ... can't figure out what has happened to me. 

It happens to me at times. I get lost somewhere. But today it happened for the second time in two consecutive days. 

But why this feeling creeps in? I know the answer. I guess there are two reasons for this. 

One, I'm really alone. For years I've been wishing that I would have someone ... someone, who would love me, would care for me, would hold my hands for nothing, would give me a tight hug anytime, would be mine, would ... damn it, so many wishes! But is that a fault that I have these wishes? Why can't I have them? I think it's not a fault to have these wishes. But it's a fault that I couldn't find anyone to fulfill my bucket list of wishes. 

But then again, I've loved at least two people so much! And there arises the second problem.

I'd expected them to love me too. That was my fault. Expectations, expectations, my fucking expectations!!! I've expected them to care for me too. Why I did that? Why I'm still doing that although I know having expectations is like playing with fire?! I'm not able to stop having expectations. I'm failing miserably. Why couldn't I love them selflessly? Why I'm always expecting some return? Why???

But can't I have a bit of expectations? The person whom I've loved so much, I know the person's so busy, but can't I even speak a little when I'm feeling so lonely? Even after sending the person a SMS that I'm feeling so much lonely? Is that my fault too? I just wanted to speak a little ... I wanted to speak so badly!!! 

And there's the other person, my friend whom I love so much, I care so much ... may be more than my own brother, and this friend can't even understand my feelings. I know this is too much, expecting someone to feel my feelings. But what do you do when you feel so much of loneliness??? I guess you need support. 

And because of this, I ruined some plans of this evening!

I guess it's too much. I want this to stop. I want everything to stop. I want to stop ... but I still love them.