Loneliness

Loneliness is a strong feeling ... I guess my choice of word is wrong.  It's a dangerous feeling! Loneliness, or even just a feeling of it could cause havoc in your life. All your achievements might appear as null and void once this feeling creeps into your mind. Everything seems to be far, everyone seems to be distant. I become so still, so calm. But inside me ... my heart becomes the eye of a cyclone. This feeling is such a strong current one can't swim against it. You just get dragged and dragged, and finally drowned in the vast ocean of loneliness.

I don't feel like talking with the persons who are so close to me. Just want to avoid them, avoid eye contact, answer their questions in monosyllables, and if someone asks what has happened, there is the standard answer, "Nothing!". Nothing has happened to me ... can't figure out what has happened to me. 

It happens to me at times. I get lost somewhere. But today it happened for the second time in two consecutive days. 

But why this feeling creeps in? I know the answer. I guess there are two reasons for this. 

One, I'm really alone. For years I've been wishing that I would have someone ... someone, who would love me, would care for me, would hold my hands for nothing, would give me a tight hug anytime, would be mine, would ... damn it, so many wishes! But is that a fault that I have these wishes? Why can't I have them? I think it's not a fault to have these wishes. But it's a fault that I couldn't find anyone to fulfill my bucket list of wishes. 

But then again, I've loved at least two people so much! And there arises the second problem.

I'd expected them to love me too. That was my fault. Expectations, expectations, my fucking expectations!!! I've expected them to care for me too. Why I did that? Why I'm still doing that although I know having expectations is like playing with fire?! I'm not able to stop having expectations. I'm failing miserably. Why couldn't I love them selflessly? Why I'm always expecting some return? Why???

But can't I have a bit of expectations? The person whom I've loved so much, I know the person's so busy, but can't I even speak a little when I'm feeling so lonely? Even after sending the person a SMS that I'm feeling so much lonely? Is that my fault too? I just wanted to speak a little ... I wanted to speak so badly!!! 

And there's the other person, my friend whom I love so much, I care so much ... may be more than my own brother, and this friend can't even understand my feelings. I know this is too much, expecting someone to feel my feelings. But what do you do when you feel so much of loneliness??? I guess you need support. 

And because of this, I ruined some plans of this evening!

I guess it's too much. I want this to stop. I want everything to stop. I want to stop ... but I still love them.

Title - TBD

আমার আজ ও মনে পরে
সেই নীরব রাতের কথা।
সুদূর মহাশুন্যে
চাঁদের আলোয় একাকী একটি তারা।

হিমেল মুক্ত বাতাস
এই প্রাণ ছুঁয়ে চলে যায়।
আঁধার রাতের নিস্তব্ধতা
হৃদয়ে তৃষ্ণা জাগায়।

আর দু'টি সাদা মেঘ
উড়ে যায় আনন্দে, নির্দ্বিধায়।
দূরে চাঁদ হাঁসছিল,
আর হাঁসছিলাম আমিও।

হঠাৎ সশব্দে বৃষ্টি
নামে এই পৃথিবীর বুকে।
খেয়াল করিনি এত' গুলো কালো মেঘ
কখন এল', কোথা থেকে।

তারপর এই শরীরের তাপ
ধীরে ধীরে কমে যায়।
ঘুম হানা দেয় চোখে,
মন তবু ব'সে তাঁর অপেক্ষায়।

আজ ও জানালার পাশে দাঁড়িয়ে
আমি সেই তারা তাকে দেখি।
আমরা আজ এত' দূরে,
হয়ত' দু'জনেই সুখি।

---

Aamar aaj o mone pare
Sei neerab raater katha.
Sudur mahashunye
Chaander aaloy ekaki ekti tara.

Himel mukta baatas
Ei praan chhuye chale jaay.
Aandhar raater nisthabdhata
Hridaye trishna jaagay.

Aar duti sada megh
Ure jaay aanande, nirdwidhay.
Dure chaand haanschhilo,
Aar haanschhilam aami o.

Hathat sashabde bristi
Naame ei prithibir buke.
Kheyal korini eto gulo kaalo megh,
Kakhan elo, kotha theke.

Tarpar ei shareer er taap
Dheere dheere kame jaay.
Ghum hana dey chokhe
Mon tabu bose tar apekshay.

Aaj o jaanalar paase daariye
Aami sei tara take dekhi.
Aamra aaj ayto dure,
Hayto du'janei sukhi.

Chennai te Bristi

  Aaj sakal theke bristi hoye chalechhe abiraam. Kaalo megh gulo je kotha theke ure esechhe, ekdam bujhtei paarini. Gatokaal sandhye belateo to aakash ta pharsa chhilo. Tahole?

  Anya din sakal belay surjyer aalote ghum bhenge jaay. Khola jaanala diye rod ese chokhe pare. Aajke ghum bhenge giyechhilo anek aage. Aasale, gato kaal raate ghumote paarini bhalo kore. (Ghum pori o ki aamake bhule gelo?) ... Jai hok, aaj ektu sakal sakal ghum bhenge jaay. Aar baire taakiye dekhi aakashta andhakar hoye aachhe!

  Aami shuye porlam aabar. Aasha korechhilam ek ghanta pare aabar jakhan ghum theke uthbo, takhan aabar chara rod dekhte paabo. Kintu naa, ek ghanta ki? Sakal gariye sandhye hote challo, ekhano aakash sei kaalo.

  Bhaba jaay? Chennai te eirakam bristi hochchhe!

  Jaler dhara dekhte dekhte aamar ei udasi mon aabar kothao haariye gelo. Aajke aar office e jaabo naa - etai bhabchhilam. Ebang ei chinta ta maathay aasar par ektu adbhut laagchhilo. Karan prabol barsan hawa sattweo aami konodin school kaamai kori ni!

  Sei chhotobelar smriti gulo bhese aaschhilo chokher saamne. Takhan aamra quarter e thaktam. Chhutir dine do talar balcony te daariye, nijeke baachiye, bristi dekhtam. Purano khata'r paata chhire nouka baaniye upar theke phele ditam. Jale bhasbe seta. Bhese kothay jaabe? Konodin bhhabini. Kintu tate ki ese jeto? Dupur belay Maa khichuri ranna korto. Sange beguni, o omlette. Aar saathe makhan. ... Aajke hathat kore sei khichuri khete baro ichchhe korchhilo.

  Dupur belate jakhan school theke phirtam bus e kore, Maa ba Baba bus stand e daariye thakto chhata niye. Chhata maathay diye, raastar jal eriye dheere dheere baari phirtam. Aamar sakale snan kore jaawar abhyes chhilo. Tai phire ese haat-mukh dhuye khete bose jetam. Kheye-deye, ektu bristi dekhe, ektu jharer aawaj shune ghumiye portam. Bikel belay ghum bhaangar pare jakhan dekhtam current nei, takhan besh raag hoto. Tabe raate lampa aar mombati jwalale maja o hoto. Parer din Kono pariksha naa thakle sediner matan parasuno'r chhuti. Aar andhakar ghare bose bidyut er jhalak dekha.

  Aajke hathat kore ei sab purano katha mone pore gelo keno? Er aageo aami praay i bristi dekhechhi. Tar madhye office eo giyechhi. Tahole? ... Kichhu din aage aami nijeke haariye phelechhi, aarekbar. Jedikei taakachchhi, sab i phaaka laagchhe. Jaader ke dekhte petam saadharanata, tara jeno keman doore chale gechhe. (Athaba kuyashaay dhaka pore giyechhe ki?) Nijeke keman ektu eka laagchhe ...

Ten years from today

    A thought came into my mind yesterday while looking at a series of pictures. I could view a translucent image of life - my life and that of others, some time in the future. Say, some ten years down the line.

    Well, my life would largely remain the same. Actually I was thinking more about my friends. Ten years from today ... everyone will be well established, settled, responsible citizens of this (or some other) country. With their wife, with their kids, with their family. Days would be different then. From the life of a bachelor without any bindings, it would become a life tightly coupled with responsibilities. Earlier they would have spent every evening with their friends, but then they might require to find and set aside some time for that. I wonder whether then they would get enough time to reply to those long mail chains. Or, would there be any more mail chain then? The definition of life would change, mostly.

    I'm not telling I'm getting angry or feeling jealous about that. It's just another random thought that was originated in my mind and sent for processing. In fact, lucky are those, who would get settled down sooner. They would have someone beside them for the rest of their life. A journey, perhaps, becomes easier if you have a partner. And when I'm thinking this, I'm really feeling happy about them, all of them.

    So, ten years down the line, what I would be doing? I'll be then staying in a small flat in some corner of this world, alone. Again a small 1 BHK flat, that I used to stay once upon a time not so long ago. I'll get out for work in the morning. (I don't know what kinda work I'd be doing then). Come back in the evening. Cook something to eat. In the meantime, open my laptop, and start playing either selected ghazals of Jagjit Singh or some Rabindrasangeet. Get online, not sure if I'd find anyone else online then. Check for the count of scraps in Orkut, revise some old mails from old days. Finally, go to sleep. The day would end there. And like a job scheduled in crontab, this same sequence of steps would keep on running everyday.

    It would be then two decades that I had been been waiting for someone. I think even then also I wouldn't get the chance to meet with that someone.

Completed first two years of Work Life

Today, along with many of my friends, I completed two years of my working life!

Whether the experience was sweet or sour, let's put that aside. Unexpectedly I came up with a short poem, in Bengali, on this occasion. Lemme put that here:

Mone aachhe ki? Aaj theke du' bachhar aage

Dekha hoyechhilo kothao, aar sabar saathe.

Aadh ghanta baire line e daariye thakar par

Ekta thanda conference room er bhitar.

 

Du'to bachhar keman adbhut bhabe kete gelo,

Natun project-shahar-lok-bench -- sab i dekha holo.

Anander ek uchchhas aaj dekha jaachchhe sabar maajh khane,

Anekei ebar khuje nebe swadhin hawar maane.

 

Du' bachhar par ... anekei beriye jaabe. Du' bachhar par, jara berobe naa, tader anekei upore uthe jaabe. 

Aar jara baaki thakbe? Nai ba likhlaam tader katha.