First Progress

Yes!!!

I did it at last! Spoke with the person I was trying to speak with for the last one week! My heart was (and still is) pounding like anything, I dunno what to compare with.

A bit of peace at last.

Bristi Pore

Just yesterday I was thinking about a poem related to rain. Although that seemed quite strange, considering the way level of mercury was soaring high for the past few days ... it was even more strange to see a heavy downpour today.

Coincidence?

Ajhor dharay bristi pore
Bristi pore, bristi pore,
Dupur hote abiram jhare,
Bristi pore, bristi pore.
Nadir dhare, boner pathe,
Bristi pore
Chokher kone,
Hriday jure, saman bhabe,
Bristi pore.

Diner uttaper shese
Mon juriye
Bristi pore
Ei sristi 'pore,
Tiner chalay, ekla ghare,
Shanto kore, mon bhoriye,
Bristi pore, bristi pore.

Loneliness

Loneliness is a strong feeling ... I guess my choice of word is wrong.  It's a dangerous feeling! Loneliness, or even just a feeling of it could cause havoc in your life. All your achievements might appear as null and void once this feeling creeps into your mind. Everything seems to be far, everyone seems to be distant. I become so still, so calm. But inside me ... my heart becomes the eye of a cyclone. This feeling is such a strong current one can't swim against it. You just get dragged and dragged, and finally drowned in the vast ocean of loneliness.

I don't feel like talking with the persons who are so close to me. Just want to avoid them, avoid eye contact, answer their questions in monosyllables, and if someone asks what has happened, there is the standard answer, "Nothing!". Nothing has happened to me ... can't figure out what has happened to me. 

It happens to me at times. I get lost somewhere. But today it happened for the second time in two consecutive days. 

But why this feeling creeps in? I know the answer. I guess there are two reasons for this. 

One, I'm really alone. For years I've been wishing that I would have someone ... someone, who would love me, would care for me, would hold my hands for nothing, would give me a tight hug anytime, would be mine, would ... damn it, so many wishes! But is that a fault that I have these wishes? Why can't I have them? I think it's not a fault to have these wishes. But it's a fault that I couldn't find anyone to fulfill my bucket list of wishes. 

But then again, I've loved at least two people so much! And there arises the second problem.

I'd expected them to love me too. That was my fault. Expectations, expectations, my fucking expectations!!! I've expected them to care for me too. Why I did that? Why I'm still doing that although I know having expectations is like playing with fire?! I'm not able to stop having expectations. I'm failing miserably. Why couldn't I love them selflessly? Why I'm always expecting some return? Why???

But can't I have a bit of expectations? The person whom I've loved so much, I know the person's so busy, but can't I even speak a little when I'm feeling so lonely? Even after sending the person a SMS that I'm feeling so much lonely? Is that my fault too? I just wanted to speak a little ... I wanted to speak so badly!!! 

And there's the other person, my friend whom I love so much, I care so much ... may be more than my own brother, and this friend can't even understand my feelings. I know this is too much, expecting someone to feel my feelings. But what do you do when you feel so much of loneliness??? I guess you need support. 

And because of this, I ruined some plans of this evening!

I guess it's too much. I want this to stop. I want everything to stop. I want to stop ... but I still love them.

Title - TBD

আমার আজ ও মনে পরে
সেই নীরব রাতের কথা।
সুদূর মহাশুন্যে
চাঁদের আলোয় একাকী একটি তারা।

হিমেল মুক্ত বাতাস
এই প্রাণ ছুঁয়ে চলে যায়।
আঁধার রাতের নিস্তব্ধতা
হৃদয়ে তৃষ্ণা জাগায়।

আর দু'টি সাদা মেঘ
উড়ে যায় আনন্দে, নির্দ্বিধায়।
দূরে চাঁদ হাঁসছিল,
আর হাঁসছিলাম আমিও।

হঠাৎ সশব্দে বৃষ্টি
নামে এই পৃথিবীর বুকে।
খেয়াল করিনি এত' গুলো কালো মেঘ
কখন এল', কোথা থেকে।

তারপর এই শরীরের তাপ
ধীরে ধীরে কমে যায়।
ঘুম হানা দেয় চোখে,
মন তবু ব'সে তাঁর অপেক্ষায়।

আজ ও জানালার পাশে দাঁড়িয়ে
আমি সেই তারা তাকে দেখি।
আমরা আজ এত' দূরে,
হয়ত' দু'জনেই সুখি।

---

Aamar aaj o mone pare
Sei neerab raater katha.
Sudur mahashunye
Chaander aaloy ekaki ekti tara.

Himel mukta baatas
Ei praan chhuye chale jaay.
Aandhar raater nisthabdhata
Hridaye trishna jaagay.

Aar duti sada megh
Ure jaay aanande, nirdwidhay.
Dure chaand haanschhilo,
Aar haanschhilam aami o.

Hathat sashabde bristi
Naame ei prithibir buke.
Kheyal korini eto gulo kaalo megh,
Kakhan elo, kotha theke.

Tarpar ei shareer er taap
Dheere dheere kame jaay.
Ghum hana dey chokhe
Mon tabu bose tar apekshay.

Aaj o jaanalar paase daariye
Aami sei tara take dekhi.
Aamra aaj ayto dure,
Hayto du'janei sukhi.

Chennai te Bristi

  Aaj sakal theke bristi hoye chalechhe abiraam. Kaalo megh gulo je kotha theke ure esechhe, ekdam bujhtei paarini. Gatokaal sandhye belateo to aakash ta pharsa chhilo. Tahole?

  Anya din sakal belay surjyer aalote ghum bhenge jaay. Khola jaanala diye rod ese chokhe pare. Aajke ghum bhenge giyechhilo anek aage. Aasale, gato kaal raate ghumote paarini bhalo kore. (Ghum pori o ki aamake bhule gelo?) ... Jai hok, aaj ektu sakal sakal ghum bhenge jaay. Aar baire taakiye dekhi aakashta andhakar hoye aachhe!

  Aami shuye porlam aabar. Aasha korechhilam ek ghanta pare aabar jakhan ghum theke uthbo, takhan aabar chara rod dekhte paabo. Kintu naa, ek ghanta ki? Sakal gariye sandhye hote challo, ekhano aakash sei kaalo.

  Bhaba jaay? Chennai te eirakam bristi hochchhe!

  Jaler dhara dekhte dekhte aamar ei udasi mon aabar kothao haariye gelo. Aajke aar office e jaabo naa - etai bhabchhilam. Ebang ei chinta ta maathay aasar par ektu adbhut laagchhilo. Karan prabol barsan hawa sattweo aami konodin school kaamai kori ni!

  Sei chhotobelar smriti gulo bhese aaschhilo chokher saamne. Takhan aamra quarter e thaktam. Chhutir dine do talar balcony te daariye, nijeke baachiye, bristi dekhtam. Purano khata'r paata chhire nouka baaniye upar theke phele ditam. Jale bhasbe seta. Bhese kothay jaabe? Konodin bhhabini. Kintu tate ki ese jeto? Dupur belay Maa khichuri ranna korto. Sange beguni, o omlette. Aar saathe makhan. ... Aajke hathat kore sei khichuri khete baro ichchhe korchhilo.

  Dupur belate jakhan school theke phirtam bus e kore, Maa ba Baba bus stand e daariye thakto chhata niye. Chhata maathay diye, raastar jal eriye dheere dheere baari phirtam. Aamar sakale snan kore jaawar abhyes chhilo. Tai phire ese haat-mukh dhuye khete bose jetam. Kheye-deye, ektu bristi dekhe, ektu jharer aawaj shune ghumiye portam. Bikel belay ghum bhaangar pare jakhan dekhtam current nei, takhan besh raag hoto. Tabe raate lampa aar mombati jwalale maja o hoto. Parer din Kono pariksha naa thakle sediner matan parasuno'r chhuti. Aar andhakar ghare bose bidyut er jhalak dekha.

  Aajke hathat kore ei sab purano katha mone pore gelo keno? Er aageo aami praay i bristi dekhechhi. Tar madhye office eo giyechhi. Tahole? ... Kichhu din aage aami nijeke haariye phelechhi, aarekbar. Jedikei taakachchhi, sab i phaaka laagchhe. Jaader ke dekhte petam saadharanata, tara jeno keman doore chale gechhe. (Athaba kuyashaay dhaka pore giyechhe ki?) Nijeke keman ektu eka laagchhe ...

Ten years from today

    A thought came into my mind yesterday while looking at a series of pictures. I could view a translucent image of life - my life and that of others, some time in the future. Say, some ten years down the line.

    Well, my life would largely remain the same. Actually I was thinking more about my friends. Ten years from today ... everyone will be well established, settled, responsible citizens of this (or some other) country. With their wife, with their kids, with their family. Days would be different then. From the life of a bachelor without any bindings, it would become a life tightly coupled with responsibilities. Earlier they would have spent every evening with their friends, but then they might require to find and set aside some time for that. I wonder whether then they would get enough time to reply to those long mail chains. Or, would there be any more mail chain then? The definition of life would change, mostly.

    I'm not telling I'm getting angry or feeling jealous about that. It's just another random thought that was originated in my mind and sent for processing. In fact, lucky are those, who would get settled down sooner. They would have someone beside them for the rest of their life. A journey, perhaps, becomes easier if you have a partner. And when I'm thinking this, I'm really feeling happy about them, all of them.

    So, ten years down the line, what I would be doing? I'll be then staying in a small flat in some corner of this world, alone. Again a small 1 BHK flat, that I used to stay once upon a time not so long ago. I'll get out for work in the morning. (I don't know what kinda work I'd be doing then). Come back in the evening. Cook something to eat. In the meantime, open my laptop, and start playing either selected ghazals of Jagjit Singh or some Rabindrasangeet. Get online, not sure if I'd find anyone else online then. Check for the count of scraps in Orkut, revise some old mails from old days. Finally, go to sleep. The day would end there. And like a job scheduled in crontab, this same sequence of steps would keep on running everyday.

    It would be then two decades that I had been been waiting for someone. I think even then also I wouldn't get the chance to meet with that someone.

Completed first two years of Work Life

Today, along with many of my friends, I completed two years of my working life!

Whether the experience was sweet or sour, let's put that aside. Unexpectedly I came up with a short poem, in Bengali, on this occasion. Lemme put that here:

Mone aachhe ki? Aaj theke du' bachhar aage

Dekha hoyechhilo kothao, aar sabar saathe.

Aadh ghanta baire line e daariye thakar par

Ekta thanda conference room er bhitar.

 

Du'to bachhar keman adbhut bhabe kete gelo,

Natun project-shahar-lok-bench -- sab i dekha holo.

Anander ek uchchhas aaj dekha jaachchhe sabar maajh khane,

Anekei ebar khuje nebe swadhin hawar maane.

 

Du' bachhar par ... anekei beriye jaabe. Du' bachhar par, jara berobe naa, tader anekei upore uthe jaabe. 

Aar jara baaki thakbe? Nai ba likhlaam tader katha.

Holi 2009

Although it was Holi today, it was not a holiday!

I guess this is the first time I celebrated Holi. (There were few times when I didn't celebrate it, but people put colour on my face anyway.) Actually I was reluctant this time also, but then I agreed. And it was really great!

One of the senior members of my previous team, Amit ji, stays nearby our office. So, a few of us went to his house, along with colors, and ... you know what one does with colors on a Holi day! We went to Amit ji's house from office, without changing our dresses or having anything spare. And me and two other guys were in formal shirts! Alas, no one was spared! :)

It was not something wild, but it was really fun. I, however, only put a token of color on everyone's face. I don't believe in aggresive coloring. :) And at the end when I went to wash my face ... well, I was surprised for a moment to see the person in the mirror.

So, everything was great. And then we were treated with Pizza and Coke. And of course, a lot of "clicking and flashes" during the entire session. A colorful Holi.

Not sure if I've started to "pack my memories" before I leave ...

Happy Holi to all!!!

Who will cry when I'll die?

Experiments can be of two types. Successful, which paves the way for some new inventions. Failure, when the experiment fails to prove the hypothesis. If I say that I had been performing experiments with my life, it would fall under the second  category.

Why do we cry when someone our nearer and dearer dies? Of course, because we will miss him for the rest of our life. It is because we will miss him. Anything else? Well, I was thinking there could be two more reasons. First, we feel happy for him -- because he has finally got freedom from the bondages of this cruel world. Second, we pity on ourselves that we still have some more time to be spent in this world.

Why am I bothered if anyone at all would cry when I'll be gone? And why I should be complaining if no one does? I've myself chosen this path for me ...

I promised this blog to be a reflection of mine. I've always told myself that I'm better at writing than at speaking. If any day, anyone wants to know about me, this would be an authentic place.

So, who will cry when I'll die?

Is it the silence before the storm?

Seems so. Everything is so quiet, calm, still ...

One of the many stories of O' Henry that I like best is "Roads of Destiny". A young man arrives at a cross road. He takes the left road, and dies. He then takes the right road, and dies again. He comes back to his village and dies finally.

Seems I'm too standing in front of some crossroad today. And whichever branch I take, it's going to be  ...

For anyone who cares, this, to some extent, explains my somewhat famous (current) status message in Orkut, "Be optimistic ... don't lose hope ... have faith ... then jump from the 9th floor".

Few times I've wondered why I'm trying my luck against a million odds! Repeatedly. Is this hope? Or, is this loss of all the hopes? ... Let me quote Mirza Ghalib here:


"Kehte Hain Jeete Hain Ummed Peh Log
 Hum Ko Jeene Ki Bhi Ummed Nahin"

I've to wait for a few days more to see where my destiny leads me to.

Why should not you use Microsoft Windows?

Let me put this in another way, why should one use Linux and not Windows?

If you are system programmer or hacker or a tech-savvy person, then you already know the reason. Linux is a free and open source software, which allows you to change/modify the Operating System source code, and you are even allowed to freely distribute the modified source code. You can't do that with Windows.

But then, why should a common man use Linux? Let's check the reasons one by one.

1. Price: How much does Windows XP cost? Around Rs 4500 - Rs 6500. Okay, you can tell that if I buy a new laptop/desktop, I'll get it loaded with Windows. Agreed. The point to note is that you will not have your own CD/DVD of Windows in this case. So, say, if your entire hard disk gets formatted, what will you do in that case? It's always safe to have your own copy. Now you will say, my friend has a Windows installation disk -- I can just copy from him! Yes, that would save your cost and troubles. But let me tell you, according to theWindows license (which you accept while installing), you can't duplicate one installation disk. And if you do it, it's illegal.
2. Flavours: Windows XP (or any other version) comes only with a single flavour. Actually, no one else other than Microsoft develop Windows. So, you can't expect varieties. You can install theme packs, but they are just masks. That doesn't change the identity.
3. Hardware: Have you ever installed Windows on an age-old PC? Try it once and after sometime see yourself how do you feel.
   
4. Security: Do I need to tell anything about this? How many viruses have you found in your system till today? How many files have got corrupted "automatically"? How many times you have reinstalled Windows because it "gets so slow everytime"?

Now  examine these points from the view point of a Linux user:

1. Price: None! Yes, you can just download it from Internet. Or can ask your friend to give a copy of the installation disk to you. And if you really want to buy, you need to pay around Rs 75 - Rs 450. Hey, I'm not joking!
2. Flavours: So, how many flavours do Linux has? In one word, many. Check this site to get a view of it. Or  look into this picture. You can choose any of them, depending on your needs, personal preference, or support. Check this site on how to choose a Linux distribution.
3. Hardware: When you get frustrated with Windows in your old system, install Linux and feel the magic. And if you install Linux in a brand new system, rest assured that you would get a great performance for several years to come.
4. Security: By virtue of it's file system implementation, Linux provides an inbuilt immunity to viruses. If you take care of the file permissions, then, even if one user's account get affected with virus, other user's account would just work fine. Also, number of viruses targeted for Linux are far less than that for Windows.

I'm not at all discussing about the development tools that are virtually always shipped with Linux. I guess that would require a good number of pages to mention them.

What do you say now? What else do you want? Listen to music? Watch movies? Surf the Internet? Upload photos from your digicam? Burn a CD/DVD? Dear, today everything is possible from Linux!

So, go back home and give Linux a try today. And tomorrow you yourself would ask, "Why should one use Windows?"

Got Internet Connection @ Home

Finally I got an Internet connection at my home!

After a long wait, I got it delivered two days back. It's a USB Modem from Tata Indicom. For the past few weeks I've been checking every possible website that gave some details on how to configure a USB Modem in Linux. My greatest worry was whether the modem would be detected in Linux. But thanks to the following three sites that gave me all possible information required for configuring the modem. 

• http://www.indiangnu.org/2008/tata-indicom-datacard-huawei-cdma-on-linuxubuntu/
• http://spo0nman.blogspot.com/2006/08/huawei-ec321-cdma-on-linux.html
• http://www.kenneyjacob.com/2008/01/31/tataindicom-usb-internet-configuration-in-linux/

I should also mention here that the user manual that comes with the modem configuration CD also lists the basic steps.  

Configuring the modem with wvdial was straight forward in XUbuntu. It automatically detected the modem and to which port it has been plugged. I just set the phone number, user name and password (and, most important, Stupid Mode = 1) in /etc/wvdial.conf file and ran wvdial again. Hurray! I was able to ping and telnet to google.com!

In Fedora Core 1, the modem was not detected automatically. So, I followed the steps from the second listed website, and then 'twas fine! However, there's some problem with the connection there. It is getting terminated just 2/3 seconds after connecting. I need to do some research on that.

Now I've downloaded GStreamer plugins, and am able to listen/view to songs and videos. I guess it's finally time to bid farewell to M$ Windows!

Train er galpo

Sei kakhan thheke platform e bose aachhi ... train aar aase naa. Bose thhakte thhakte aar bhalo laagchhe naa. Katodin aage thheke ticket kete rekhechhi - er janya? Station master er kaachhe aarekbar gelam.

"Sir, train ta ki aasbe? Cancel hoye jaayni to?"

"Aare bollam to mashai, aasbe! Ei train kakhano cancel hay naa. Ektu deri hochchhe bate, tabe aasbe thhik i. Ta mashai, aapnake to bolechhilam express train er ticket kaatun. Shunlen naa se katha - local train er ticket kaatlen! Local train, deri to habei!"

Bhadralok thhamlen.

"Sir, express train e jaawar saamarthya nei aamar ... aar ta chhara, bhisan bhay o kare. Local train i bhalo - aaste aaste jaay, ektu deri hay thhik i, tabe pouchhe jai shesh parjantya."

Bollam bate, tabe ayto deri aar sahya korte paarchhilam naa. Kato lok ke dekhlaam express train e chale jete.

"Bhay kiser mashai? Ayto lok jaay ote. Tabe hya, anek er i ote chaapar saamarthya nei, taa aami jaani ... ki aar korben? Aaro kichhu khan apekshya karun ... kal thheke jal khan ... tabe train aasbei!"

Platform e 4 te kal chhilo. Duto thheke ek phonta ek phonta kore jal porchhilo. Tar swaad o aabar nona! Chhya! Ei jeeban e kato jwaala!

Rabindrasangeet er sei chena sur ta kotha thheke jeno bheshe aaschhilo ...

"Dure kothay, dure dure,
 Aamar mon beray go, ghure ghure"

Aba sheshe jaatra shuru holo ...

"Kothao Chaliya Jaabo Ekdin; - Tarpar
 Raatrir Aakash Asankya Nakshatra Niye
 Ghure Jaabe Katokaal Jaanibo Naa Aami."

                                 -- Jeebanananda Das

At last the journey has begun.

Pratham prashno, hathat kore ei blog keno? Why start a blog - a blog of mine?

Ekta samasya dekha diyechhilo besh kayek bachhar aage. Takhan sabe gonf er rekha beriyechhe, aar aami nijeke kabi bhhebe phellam! Ki bhayanak! Aar takhan kagaj-kalam e jaa i likhhi, taakei kabita bole daabi kori! Aami nischit chhilam je aamar sei tatha kathita kobita keu chhapbe naa. Aasale, aami segulo kakhano chhapanor chesta o kori ni. Kakhano kakhano aamar bandhuder upar atyachaar kortam segulo porte diye. Tabe oi parjantyai.

Few years back I had created a website for myself. Having a website was just like registering your presence in the vast, unbounded world of Internet. I believe that blogs serves the same purpose today, in a better way. It provides a platform to interact with your blog's viewers, friends, just anyone.

I'm hardly concerned whether there will be any viewer of my blog. Let me tell you an interesting fact. I read some people's blog, who, while starting their blog, thought that no one will ever view their blog! I believe the same would also happen with me. Even if it doesn't, who cares?

Gato kaal ek janer blog dekhchhilam. Tar daabi, "DAIRY nay, eta aamar mon"! Well, kono bhhabei eta aamar "Dairy" nay! "Barun's Dairy" shuru karar kono plan aamar nei!

Ek ek samay kichhu katha bolte ichchhe kore. Ek ek samay adbhut dharaner kichhu chinta maathay aase. (Segulo sundar bhhabe boi te likhte parle hayto Nobel purashkar ta peye jetam!) Sabaike mail kore sei bhhabna gulo jaanate ichchhe kare. Tabe sabai ke ei bhhabe jwalatan karar kono maane hay naa. Sei sab chinta dhaara i ekhane tule dharbo bhhabchhi. Aami bahudin aage kichhu lekha lekhi kortam. Segulo dekha jete paare ekhane. Ichchhe hole nijer jeebaner kichhu katha, galpo o thhakbe.

Aar, aami chale jawar pareo ei shristi te aamar chinha thheke jaabe ... aabar jedin ekhane phirbo, sei purano nijeke khuje paabo ...